Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Small Hells

You got all excited, didn’t you. You were like, “Oh my God, I totally read this hysterical blog and then she never wrote again…” but here I am. Let me just quickly explain…I’ve been in a series of small hells.

I know you probably think that I’m the kind of person who has everything under control, who can look fear in the face and laugh, who can wear low-cut blouses and not feel self-conscious or the kind of girl who never trips, and has never tucked her dress into her underwear, but I have—it’s true. I’m the girl who sings aloud to the music on her iPod in public, who bursts out laughing in greeting card stores and makes a scene and trips on the corner of 86th and Broadway during rush hour.

But, we’re not here to talk about whether or not I’m a clod at times, but rather my adventures and how I see the world. Whenever I think about blogs, I think about the movie, “Pump Up the Volume” and particularly the end when everyone tries to get their own voice on the radio—their own soapbox to feel heard, special and important. I have a small collection of soapboxes but I am trying to appreciate this one the most because its completed unedited.

So—recent adventures include going to Yonkers (pronounced ‘Yaaankas’) with several Puerto Rican friends. I learned the following: 1) One cannot move their hips enough when doing the Salsa 2) If I were Spanish, I would have the perfect body, but since I’m a white girl, I’m fat and 3) Dressing 3 sizes smaller than you should isn’t always the most attractive option.

Then, on Sunday night, I made an emergency trip to the Animal Hospital because my cat Sydney had a blocked bladder and he would have died if this condition remained so. This wasn’t a terribly fun adventures, certainly not as interesting as Salsa dancing in a crumby bar at 2am with a drunken Latina holding my hips and urging me to “Let go, Mama!” Instead it was horrible and I spent three hours having a horrible allergy attacking (including wheezing) and watching a basset hound throw up bile, for my little kitty to be unclogged and subsequently admitted to the hospital. I learned the following lessons: 1) The receptionist at the Animal Medical Center is an unsympathetic bitch. 2) When you are allergic to cat fur and are in a place where it is covered in such fur, bring an inhaler. 3) Everyone talks to animals as though they are infants.

Now after that, what could be waiting for me to enjoy during the Jewish Holidays?! Oy.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Maiden Posting

Well, I'm no friggin maiden, but I'm terrible with titles and just didn't know where to start things, so as with the rest of the things in my life, I'll just start in the middle. Yes--this means that I am the woman who does not read directions and just tries to figure things out and then gets frustrated and forces someone else to do it for me. Call me lazy--you won't be the first.

So, it's 7pm on a Friday night and I'm stuck at work and frankly pretty pissed about it. I needed to vent--and my boss already heard my sassy attitude about waiting around for an expected call, but why not thrust my aggravation on the blog reading public, I say. I think it's a quote from Ren (of the famed Ren and Stimpy), "When you have lemons, squirt the juice into someone else's eye." So, perhaps I should just focus on wasting time on the company dime, happily listen to my Fiona Apple album and calm down or I can stew and complain.

Anyway, I haven't ever written a blog, so I'm not sure where to start--what to reveal about myself, and whether or not this should be a like the first correspondence to a pen pal--where you spill the mundane details about your life in an effort to get to know each other. And frankly, it all seems a little mundane these days, but I'll put on my thinking cap and reach far, far back to those marketing classes I took in b-school and think of something catchy, something interesting and a reason for you to come back and visit my blog again. By then, I'll have come up with something more interesting.

Wait.
Wait.
Wait.

Got it....the old Letterman approach.

Top 10 Reasons You Should Start Tuning into My Blog and Tell Your Friends.

10) Someday, when I'm a famous writer, you'll have to pay to read my writing. Take advantage of it being free now.

9) Despite the title of this blog, my life really isn't plain vanilla--it's IRONY. Which means I have some pretty good shit to dish.

8) My nice Jewish conservative mother would be happy to know that more people are reading about the intimate details of my life, many of which she doesn't know.

7) My friends think I'm entertaining and often call me to find out what the current drama is.

6) I'm pretty cute and have two pretty cute cats.

5) I freelance write for a variety of adult magazines, so I am at ease with colorful and vivid language.

4) I'm a Leo. We like attention.

3) There are no shortage of bizarre observations that I make in New York City on a daily basis. I'll share them with you.

2) I write haikus. See?

Puerto Rican Boy.
My mother would kill me if.
She knew I date him.

1) It's more fun to read my blog than to be productive at work.


xo,
RAB