Jesus

I was supposed to have knee surgery in February for my very arthritic knee--this coincided with the purchase of a human treadmill for my dog's use (and I would use it periodically, though often got a hairy eye ball from my pit bull when I used "her" treadmill).  While I was sitting in my doctor's office, two things occurred to me:  first, I could probably very sweetly and innocently ask him to write a me prescription for my headache meds and save myself a co-pay and having to beg another doctor and second, could get a note for my gym to freeze my membership, saving me $142 a month.  He obliged on both counts--and to boot, told me that he and his wife were looking to buy a new apartment.  Truly, a great day.  I filled the script and submitted my medical freeze, but I'm still waiting for the apartment thing to pan out....but, I digress.

By mid-February neither the dog nor I used the treadmill anymore--though it was taking up significant space in my living room--and it was heavy as fuck, so moving it slightly was a huge pain in the ass.  And, admittedly, I was getting antsy about getting back to the gym.  My illegal return to the gym began with a guest pass that I had to cajole a membership advisor to get, but that was just a week--miraculously, one of the front desk staff--a minimum wage earner who is happy to see someone get one over on 'the man', offered to let me in whenever she was working and then happily handed me a copy of her work schedule so that I knew when I could work out. Because this worked out so well for the last month, I returned to management and told them that I had to extend my medical freeze and now I'm sneaking into the gym until July 1st.  Though I'm thrilled to save the money, at this point it's just the challenge that I enjoy more.  

While I always enjoy a stupid little personal quest, I admit that this one has a sense of danger attached to it.  I'm not worried about them kicking me out of the gym--it's just the glee of knowing that I got a 'deal'--after all, we're in a recession, I'm in a depression and I'm Jewish?! How could I NOT love a deal?  Anyway, I've come close to getting caught and today, to avoid seeing the one person who knows that I shouldn't be there, I had to go in disguise, like Alec Baldwin (whom I LOVE), and and wear a hat and had to work out in the back on one of the lame elliptical machines where only your feet move.  Of course, I get repeating to myself, "$710", which is the amount of money that I'm saving.

So, as I skulked about in the gym, trying to do cardio discreetly, which isn't easy to do, I hid under my hat and talked to my favorite priest, Jesus who was sweating like a beast on the machine next to me, teasing me for my undercover appearance.  I asked him if he thought I'd go to Hell for lying and, essentially stealing, from the gym and in his Cuban accent, with no real care, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Probably."  I reminded him that I was Jewish and didn't believe in Hell.  

Jesus and I like each other, but like typical New Yorkers who go to the same gym--or people who weren't raised here but have lived here way too long--we did what we we always do.  We quietly assessed how hard we thought the other person was working and tried to outdo each other.  We made small talk, caught up on gym gossip and compared our carbohydrate intake.  Needless to say, because people need God more than they need real estate now, he's in better shape, job-wise, than I am.  I told him that I didn't think that things could get worse.  He assured me that they could. "I'm just being honest,", he said, as though he just watched someone drop a cake on the floor and couldn't, in good conscious, take any of the blame.  "Things could get a lot worse."  He then asked if I did my income taxes and I told him that I was being audited, "Tsk, tsk," he waved his finger at me..."maybe they couldn't get worse."

I've been following the 'unusual economic indicators' on NPR--they track things details, like, people are taking books out of the library more now, because they don't want to spend the money on them and I couldn't help to ask if he's seen an increase in people coming to church and nodded his head slowly.  With all the praying, you'd think that God would just answer prayers to fix the economy to shut us up, right?

That's it for my productivity today.